Taming Cells

Today I went to have my Lymph nodes re-scanned and biopsied. This was another ultrasound guided core biopsy so I will spare you the details but once again the lovely Steff was behind the curtain helping to keep me chipper and there to drive me home. My breastcare nurse suggested that I ask the consultant radiographer to show me my images and she did, it was fascinating being taken through them.  I now understand better why I have had so many weird biopsies and tests versus most people who get away with a fine needle biopsy.  My Invasive Lobular cancer (the lump part) is not visible on a mammogram at all, my mammograms only showed the calcification (see earlier posts) but it terrifyingly clear on the MRI. So here it is. For those who struggle with orientation, the top pic is my left boob pointing to the right, away from my heart. The top half of it looks full to bursting with cancer.  The bottom pic is my very healthy looking right boob. Quite an eye-opener hey? ...

Phillipa Jackson is my plastics consultant, I seem to be hitting jackpot with my assigned medical team, she was also lovely and I felt totally at ease with her. We talked over the various pathways I could follow with respect to surgery. The exact route for me is still unclear but I should know by the time biopsy 3 results come back.  I am not going to bore you with the options and why they vary but I am happy that in conjunction with my next results and my breast surgeon Shelley, we will all reach the best conclusion for me.  I saw numerous photos of outcomes for each scenario and was impressed by the results.  The recreated nipples in particular and tattooed nipples (they do it to look like a nipple as opposed to a funky design!) were quite incredible and although the whole process could take a very long time, I am confident I will end up looking the very much like I do today. After the appointment I was sent up to the medical photography department. I really had no idea...

Every few months I am lucky enough to go to Coventry (willingly, I am not sent!) to fill the Holiday Inn with the buzz of sewing machines.  Pam with Rozzie's help enables about 60 of us to sew and sew for as many hours as we have energy for.  We are fed (very regularly and well) and looked after impecably by the great team that work there who have become part of our weekends. It was so in the balance whether I would be able to go this time so when the surgeon ringfenced the dates for me it meant a great deal. It was the first time I had seen Mum since my diagnosis and provided the perfect setting for us to be together amongst friends and explore our plethora of feelings in slow time.  Mum and I talk a lot on the phone but don't necessarily see each other that often due to the Knutsford to Bristol journey between us. That said, these weekends immersed in our shared hobby are always special and this one even more so. Overall it felt like I had a weekend off from th...

That was a tough few days mentally but I feel like I am getting back on top. We switched off by indulging in back to back episodes of The Good Place. We made a delicious Shepherdless pie which saw us through the weekend healthily. Annoyingly (now) I missed seeing Em, Nick, Bea, Claire and Lizzie on Saturday because I was still in a mental hole but I did meet some lovely OYNB folk for a dog walk on Sunday and Steff, Jezz and I went to a Gong Bath on Sunday evening which was tranquil and restorative to the soul. It was just too hard to talk or properly think about until today. Oddly though I don't understand why it was so hard. When my back was severe and they told me they could operate, I was overjoyed, I couldn't wait, it was fabulous news. So what is the difference with this? I am certainly keen to get on with the Op and it could be all that has to happen if I am lucky. Nevertheless there is a nagging something-or-other and I know it is related to the word Cancer. It just does...

The day started well.  Jezz made us pancakes for breakfast, I am always amazed that I don't think about pancakes more often, fresh organic lemon and a smidge of sugar, so simple yet so utterly delicious!  Sally from nextdoor popped in for a chin-wag, she can't get enough of my beautiful new ring-tailed lemur teapot and cups which is quite understandable. The day then got serious. We forced down some lunch and headed to the hospital. Shelley the consultant was grave again, although her greeting was slightly more sanguine that it was prior to the initial diagnosis. I had begun to ready myself for the second biopsy being negative too, they had focussed a lot of investigation behind the already diagnosed lump and I knew that the size of the lump + DCIS = Full Mastectomy.  She confirmed this very quickly and raised a concern that my lymph glads were also swollen.  She said "you are going to be a very busy lady" and then told me that I was going to need another ultras...

Our friends Suzannah and Matt who came to stay for part of last weekend told Jezz and I in the summer about Penny Brohn UK, a wonderful place near Bristol where they had been for wrap around support while she was undergoing her breast cancer treatment last year.  They provide holistic support alongside your medical treatment, such as art therapy, yoga, meditation, relaxation and nutrition.  It sounded like my kind of place but back then I didn't have cancer, now though with cancer I am able to walk right in and benefit from their beautiful services! I spent the day there on Tuesday, learning a bit more about what cancer is and about how we can support our immune systems through diet, relaxation, community etc.  It was good to spend time and eat a nourishing lunch with other people at different stages of the disease and to tangibly feel that I wasn't alone.  We all know lots of people who have cancer, have recovered from cancer and sadly those who didn't beat it ...

The last two weeks have been taken up with getting to grips with the news, letting people know, having various scans and tests.  I have been overwhelmed by several things: Everyone's kindness and offers of help and support People have been so kind, offering to come and stay when/if I need it, offering their days off to take me to appointments and popping in for tea.  I have not been able to take everyone up on their offers but in time I will. I am blessed with the people around me.  A special thank you also to Lara for keeping me together and taking me to the boob brutalising x-ray guided biopsy, it was quite an experience feinting whilst being clamped by the boob😂 and I felt all over the place, thank you for being there and the beautiful diversion that was baby Bertie! How everything just happens at the hospital once you have a diagnosis (even if incomplete), I hear this all the time, I saw it with Mum's Myxoma and Dad's cancer but when it happens to you directly...

It wasn't helpful that the appointment was at 1640 and that I had reached the diagnosis day but still had to wait for a day to find out.  I buried myself in making River's quilt interspersed with lots of hugs and cups of tea from Jezz.  The journey to the hospital was sombre and I did the breathe in for 7 and out for 11 technique that Suzannah had equiped me with. Shelly the consultant came to the waiting room, she said my name and tried to look neutral, gone was her sunny disposition and I knew.  We sat down and she got it over with quickly. The lump was cancerous, a Grade 2 (neither fast nor slow growing) and luckily it hadn't spread to the lymph nodes. There was talk of different treatments but my biopsy results were not complete and it wasn't possible to talk about my specific treatment plan.  They also wanted to biopsy the calcification and that was booked in.  I did cry a bit and thank god they let Jezz come and sit next to me, the gap between our cha...

My first thoughts were that waiting over Christmas and New Year was the cruelest twist of fate, however, with hindsight there was so much lovely family time that it was easy to remain present and to still enjoy myself. I had been feeling increasingly tired for the last few months of the year, yes work was bonkers, I was doing two complex roles (badly I felt) and my right hand lady went off for 3 months with her back.  Despite loving my work and being in a brilliant team I was feeling demoralised and exhausted.  In mid-November I decided that I might get more energy if I stopped drinking.  I had done a 9 week alcohol free (AF) run at the start of 2019 and had found the energy which comes after the first month to be truly surprising.  I signed up for the 365 day challenge with One Year No Beer (OYNB) on 14th November. When you don't use wine to numb feelings of anxiety you really truly feel it.  By the time Jezz and I came home to Bristol from Mum's in Cheshi...

I had been to two breast clinics in the past, both times a consultant felt the lump, I had an ultrasound and I was able to go home quickly because it was only a cyst, the first time was in about 2001 and the second in about 2008. On December 20th they told me to leave 3 hours for the Clinic.  The consultant, Shelley (who was lovely) had a feel of the lump, which incidentally feels quite different to how the cysts had felt.  Steff (who lives in my garden flat downstairs) and I waited for my first call up.  I had 4 mammograms, two on each side and went back to watching goldfish with Steff.  They called me again, I was expecting an ultrasound but I was back in the Mammogram suite (which made me think something was wrong) where they took another 4 of the left side, Christine the mammogram lady mentioned calcification and patterns. Back in the waiting room Steff and I googled calcification, it didn't seem too bad; it is common in over 50s and uncommonly it can indicate...

The ladies Loo was busy on my floor so I ran upstairs, whilst sat on the toilet I noticed a poster about checking your boobs.  I had a feel and thought my left boob felt a bit odd.  I had had a couple of cysts in the past so didn't think much of it.  Later that week when it came into my head, I had another feel and there was definitely a lump, I vaguely remembered the top of my left boob, just behind the nipple being where i had previously had a cysts and mentioned to Jezz that he might want to have a look.  It was another week before either of us remembered to check it. When your other half is a doctor you get used to hearing "it'll go away" and "you'll be fine" but after Jezz had performed a very formal breast exam (yes, that was very weird and did make me laugh) he just said "you need to get to the GP tomorrow with that". I was on the phone to the GP by 0830 on my birthday and unfortunately they couldn't get me in until the followin...