Anxiety, Alcohol and A Beautiful Baby
My first thoughts were that waiting over Christmas and New Year was the cruelest twist of fate, however, with hindsight there was so much lovely family time that it was easy to remain present and to still enjoy myself.
I had been feeling increasingly tired for the last few months of the year, yes work was bonkers, I was doing two complex roles (badly I felt) and my right hand lady went off for 3 months with her back. Despite loving my work and being in a brilliant team I was feeling demoralised and exhausted. In mid-November I decided that I might get more energy if I stopped drinking. I had done a 9 week alcohol free (AF) run at the start of 2019 and had found the energy which comes after the first month to be truly surprising. I signed up for the 365 day challenge with One Year No Beer (OYNB) on 14th November.
When you don't use wine to numb feelings of anxiety you really truly feel it. By the time Jezz and I came home to Bristol from Mum's in Cheshire and Sally's in York, my head was a mess, my brain was all over the place, I needed to keep busy. My lovely friend Hels was in labour for two of these days (poor thing!) so updates via Steff (they're sisters) were a good distraction but OMG I wanted a drink of wine, or a bottle, or a whole bar! I cooked a big South Indian meal for Jezz, Steff and I (#Number40) for New Year and went on walks including a lovely one with Jezz, Ruth, KJ and little Isobel who didn't really enjoy it!!
I didn't drink once. Hels and Pete had their beautiful baby, River. I turned to the sewing room, determined to put all of my crazed energy into making River a baby quilt. I have loads of projects on the go but I needed to go through the whole creative process from scratch to get into flow and ride the wave of my exasperating feelings. When I dared to face those feelings I looked into a vast and scary empty hole there certainly wasn't a non-cancer outcome in there despite me knowing that there was still a glimmer of hope. My lovely and kind OYNB coach Rakale helped me with dealing with this on a 121 call and I eventually made it through to the 2nd January.
I had been feeling increasingly tired for the last few months of the year, yes work was bonkers, I was doing two complex roles (badly I felt) and my right hand lady went off for 3 months with her back. Despite loving my work and being in a brilliant team I was feeling demoralised and exhausted. In mid-November I decided that I might get more energy if I stopped drinking. I had done a 9 week alcohol free (AF) run at the start of 2019 and had found the energy which comes after the first month to be truly surprising. I signed up for the 365 day challenge with One Year No Beer (OYNB) on 14th November.
When you don't use wine to numb feelings of anxiety you really truly feel it. By the time Jezz and I came home to Bristol from Mum's in Cheshire and Sally's in York, my head was a mess, my brain was all over the place, I needed to keep busy. My lovely friend Hels was in labour for two of these days (poor thing!) so updates via Steff (they're sisters) were a good distraction but OMG I wanted a drink of wine, or a bottle, or a whole bar! I cooked a big South Indian meal for Jezz, Steff and I (#Number40) for New Year and went on walks including a lovely one with Jezz, Ruth, KJ and little Isobel who didn't really enjoy it!!
I didn't drink once. Hels and Pete had their beautiful baby, River. I turned to the sewing room, determined to put all of my crazed energy into making River a baby quilt. I have loads of projects on the go but I needed to go through the whole creative process from scratch to get into flow and ride the wave of my exasperating feelings. When I dared to face those feelings I looked into a vast and scary empty hole there certainly wasn't a non-cancer outcome in there despite me knowing that there was still a glimmer of hope. My lovely and kind OYNB coach Rakale helped me with dealing with this on a 121 call and I eventually made it through to the 2nd January.
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