Bewilderment & Co

The last two weeks have been taken up with getting to grips with the news, letting people know, having various scans and tests.  I have been overwhelmed by several things:

Everyone's kindness and offers of help and support
People have been so kind, offering to come and stay when/if I need it, offering their days off to take me to appointments and popping in for tea.  I have not been able to take everyone up on their offers but in time I will. I am blessed with the people around me.  A special thank you also to Lara for keeping me together and taking me to the boob brutalising x-ray guided biopsy, it was quite an experience feinting whilst being clamped by the boob😂 and I felt all over the place, thank you for being there and the beautiful diversion that was baby Bertie!

How everything just happens at the hospital once you have a diagnosis (even if incomplete), I hear this all the time, I saw it with Mum's Myxoma and Dad's cancer but when it happens to you directly it is truly humbling.

My own unbelieveable rollercoaster of emotion has shocked me, I have been all over the place, I am all over the place, there is no one thing but it includes:
    1. Relief from having a diagnosis
    2. Bewilderment that I have cancer
    3. Anxiety (again) as tomorrow (my next results day) has crept closer
    4. Joy in the little things (especially all the babies!)
    5. Guilt about not being at work and the extra stress it will cause others
    6. Confusion about what I do/should/might be feeling
    7. Frustration at not being able to keep up with everyone's kind calls & messages - that's why I have decided to blog
    8. Sadness in telling people and making them sad or worried
    9. Fragility when Jezz has had to go back to London
    10. Tiredness, not an emotion per se but I am so tired and it makes all of these things feel weirder/stronger/interlinked
I have though, found a place which can help me make sense of a lot of this and keep me sane, Penny Brohn UK.


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