Escaping Cells

Today I held it together as far as the hospital car park before shouting F**K! very loudly.

I will let you into a secret, on Tuesday I used an American (very reputable) predictor of how likely it was that my cancer had spread to my Lymph Nodes. It was only 2 days until the 3rd biopsy results, I hadn't had a good result so far and I figured it might help me to prepare. Whichever way I input my diagnosed variables, it was between 77 and 85% likely. I was feeling faintly hopeful despite that as the radiography consultant last week said the Lymph nodes looked good on the ultrasound.

Consultant Shelley called us into the consulting room with a neutral-friendly welcome, it wasn't easy to read.  She asked how I was doing and was pleased that I had been spending plenty of time at Penny Brohn and focussing on self care as instructed! We quickly got to the point and yes, the Cancer has escaped my boob and has indeed reached my Lymph nodes.

I will now be having a Mastectomy with axillary clearance (all lymph nodes out) on 19th Feb. This will be followed by Chemotherapy and then Radiotherapy.  I refer you to the first sentence of the post.

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The reconstruction will be in some distant future 2021 realm if I still choose to have it.  I have doubts because if they use my tummy it will impact my core and with a back history like mine I am seriously mulling over what that could mean for the sake of having a boob.

I told Shelley about my plan to do some work while I await the Op. She gave me a very serious look and reminded me that looking after myself had to be my priority and to only work if it helped me in some way.  I am not sure what to do just now as this current wave of shock feels like a big one.  I have some gentle stuff booked at Penny Brohn next week; Qi Gong, Art and Meditation Group, a healing session plus a couple of lunches.  My sister Julia and Jezz are both here with me now, I feel another "crawl into a hole" weekend is upon me while I process.  I would really like to cry, I have only once shed a few tears since the initial diagnosis appointment.  That cry was courtesy of the beautiful woolly hug (www woollyhugs.org) I received in the form of a crocheted and knitted blanket made by my friend John's wife and her wonderful charity volunteers.  I love this thing so much for its prettiness, kindness and snuggliness, here is a cheeky selfie with my Woolly Hug.